I’m 24 and I constantly catch myself learning about love.
Growing up, whenever someone mentions my father, my face will change and my eyes will fill up with hate. But when I was eighteen, I began to understand that some people are not meant to live a life that is not meant for them. It all started when I made the decision to drop out of school at eighteen, expecting everyone to be against me. Instead I was overwhelmed by how supportive my mother was. She stood by my side when everyone else gave me disapproving looks at family gatherings. That was when I understood that I was not meant to be an accountant. and thinking about my father, I understood that maybe he was not ready to be a father. Maybe his absence benefits my family more than if he had stayed. That was the day I found out that inside me, there exists a love for him.
Yesterday I got mad at my best friend. I don’t know why but I feel like spending time with her since we are both having our holidays now. I know she has a lot of friends and I know that will be very busy. But it really makes me mad when she chooses to ignore my whatsapp messages, only checking them and replying a few hours later. I find it really saddening that she, of all people, would do this to me. I guess we finally had our first fight when she read and ignored my message until near midnight when she replied with “How is that being rude? I only take a longer time to reply you.” I am furious but I will not tell her that. Is this what it’s called love for our friendship? Idk. My head’s in a mess.
I just came back from watching a Hindustani movie titled Bajirao Mathani, it’s really good! I guess I’ve forgotten how wonderful love can be. I was in the cab and the cab driver was telling me about how he sometimes go to the beach to rest when he’s tired from driving around. He always watch couples strolling from one end of Changi beach to the other end, holding hands and chit chatting away. Then he told me that when he’s bored of watching these couples, he would start to count the stars in the sky. My mind has already drifted to the movie and the topic of love and the stars and trying to keep up with what the cab driver was talking about when he suddenly asked me, “Miss, is it possible to catch the moon?” I paused for a while, and thinking about the movie I just saw, how the guy loved the girl so intensely that he would do anything for her, I replied “If you’re in love, of course can.” That gave Mr cab driver a good chuckle. hahaha I guess love is not a bad thing afterall. Even in hatred, love exists because hate cannot exist without intense love.
Of course, the subject of love will bring up Jool. When we contacted again after 4 years, he told me he loves me as a friend. I’ve always wondered what he meant by that. Is it possible to love someone whom you were in love with more than just a friend before? and then after some time, love that person just as a friend? Idk but he does have a special place in my heart even if he’s married to someone else. I really don’t love him in that way.
Love is crazy. It makes me feel like a psycho when I find out I might like someone a little more than a friend. Love makes me think of all the boys who rejected me, all the people who’ve left me but again and again I’m reminded that love takes a little courage. Like how I was uncertain about God, but just letting myself be open to Him makes me feel his love for me. I feel like I’m rambling. I guess I’ll continue this on another day. Or maybe not. Idk. Good night Lindah.
Walk on my words 